


Another Story About Jesus, A Cyber Goth, and A Bedazzler

by GallicGalaxy



Category: Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Cyber goth Ulysses, Glitter, I Don't Even Know, Implied Joshua Graham/Caesar, Implied Lucius/Caesar, Implied Vulpes Inculta/Caesar, Implied everyone/Caesar basically, M/M, Mentioned Caesar (Fallout), this is what happens when a joke goes too far
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2016-06-04
Packaged: 2018-06-09 18:37:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6918526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GallicGalaxy/pseuds/GallicGalaxy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Joshua Graham's outfit is plagued by intricate sparkly patterns.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Another Story About Jesus, A Cyber Goth, and A Bedazzler

**Author's Note:**

  * For [d20eater](https://archiveofourown.org/users/d20eater/gifts).



> This fic is based on a series of random jokes about a modern/current era Fallout: New Vegas AU that I made while talking at franzy_von_karma. Hence our matching glitterfics.  
> As most crack fics are, it was a joke (or several jokes) that went too far, so a. please don't take this too seriously, or seriously at all really and b. that's about it. Parts of this got wayyy more serious than I'd intended lmao IT'S ALSO WAY LONG I'M SORRY  
> It started with jokes about Ulysses being a cyber goth, 'southwestern hipster dad' aesthetics, and Joshua Graham's clothes getting bedazzled (as in with a Bedazzler) as a prank, and then somehow Graham Cracker became part of a weird alt country/southern gothic band who basically all met because most of them are Caesar's ex-boyfriends?? Don't ask me to bring logic into this  
> The title is a Jay Munly reference and I put it down as a working title but was too lazy to change it  
> And I feel like nothing else is more appropriate

All Joshua ever needed for the task ahead of him was a cross around his neck, a patterned shirt tucked into his high-waisted jeans, and that blue-eyed smile, perpetually distorted by the little scar at the left corner of his mouth.

Ulysses was willing to expend much more time and energy for the sake of maintaining appearances. And he did, invariably. Ulysses would spend such a large quantity of time on his clothes and hair that Joshua would frequently appear in the doorway of their bedroom and silently watch the process with amusement painted like a mural across his face. The dog would often appear at Joshua's heel, wondering what it was that Joshua was observing and why he was doing so, but wondering with unwarranted excitement.

Ulysses kept his makeup in a re-purposed ammunition crate which had likely never actually been used to house bullets. Joshua was oddly talented at re-purposing seemingly useless objects into other seemingly useless objects. The box had been something Joshua had obtained with one of those projects in mind and then hadn't used, and instead had left sitting on a shelf in the bedroom until Ulysses started putting his makeup and goggles in it. Ulysses had never quite understood Joshua's craft of aesthetic decorating through arbitrarily chosen, mostly purposeless objects. But, since they shared the house, he put up with it. And Joshua put up with a tattered, dingy Betsy-Ross-design American flag taking up an entire wall in the bedroom.

Ulysses could tell when Joshua was watching him, but he rarely ever said anything. At this point, he felt like he could've put eyeliner on in his sleep, and even Joshua admired the deft fluidity with which he applied his eye makeup. Tonight's included two tiny little dots of eyeliner just off the corners of his eyes, drawing a bit more attention to the fact that he was wearing eye makeup. Nothing too extravagant, as his clothing called enough attention by itself. And so did his hair, of course, but that conversation had been had between him and Joshua more times than either cared to count.

Joshua didn't seem entirely fond of the fact that Ulysses put such bright streaks of dye in his natural hair. But, of course, that was small relative to the long black duster, the elbow-length gloves, the pants adorned with purposeless chains, the neon goggles, and the spiked gas mask. Joshua wasn't disapproving, he'd been with Ulysses long enough not to judge him, but he just didn't quite understand it all himself.

He was still standing in the doorway as Ulysses fastened on his gas mask: black-and-red, adorned with gold spikes instead of silver ones, and emblazoned with a crimson biohazard symbol. His goggles were already resting at his forehead, nuclear symbols bright and clear against their bright background and his dark skin.

"Are you ready yet?" Joshua purred, leaning against the door frame. Zion wagged her tail a little as Ulysses stood up and cleared the space between himself and Joshua.

"Of course." Ulysses answered. He was standing in the doorway now, staring down Joshua, but in an affectionate manner. Joshua smiled that veiled smile he had, the one where only the very corners of his mouth twitched upwards. There was no more tempting request to be kissed in the world.

Joshua expected it, and took the kiss with no more than a stifled chuckle.

"We've got places to be." Joshua purred lowly. "Everyone else will be there already."

"Then we should leave." Ulysses replied. Joshua turned on his heel, Ulysses following behind as they made their way out the door. Joshua stopped briefly to make sure Zi was outside, and to tell her to be a good girl while he was gone, and ruffle her fluffy fur a little, and other such things that men with dogs did.

They headed for the car, the one Ulysses almost felt embarrassed getting into, and straight for the eternal back-and-forth struggle of whose music to play.

The two of them had rather disparate tastes in both style and music. There were, however, a few things they could both agree on.

"Are we running late?" Joshua wondered. He always asked that question, or some permutation thereof. And he was almost never late.

"We are fine." Ulysses grunted, not even bothering to direct his eyes toward the radio clock.

Tonight was a very special performance for Caesar's Legion. It happened to be the 2nd anniversary of the day the band had been officially formed (Six always called it a 'bandiversary', much to the other members' chagrin), July 16th. Even now, it was hard to believe that a band like this had stuck together for two years, especially considering that they'd been formed entirely to spite one man.

People always asked about the name, about the stage personas. It was a long story, but nonetheless an interesting one. Ulysses couldn't tell it right, because he always wanted to start too far before. He'd known Joshua, and he'd known the man who would start to call himself Caesar. Back when they could have been called a couple, when he had never seen a light in anyone's eyes like the light in Joshua's eyes when he looked up at the man he refused to hail as Caesar.

And he'd never seen anybody as ruined as Joshua was after the split. It seemed to happen so suddenly, even though they'd been leading up to it for months. A change came over Joshua's Edward, and he stopped being the ambitious young med student Joshua had fallen in love with. He gave up on his dreams, turned his focus towards business instead. Gave up on Joshua. Ulysses watched them fall apart, watched Edward become Caesar, watched him start to push Joshua away. It changed Joshua, too, this shift in focus, this change of plans that had suddenly stopped including Joshua. Joshua became desperate, with as much of a one-track-mind as Caesar - but Joshua was fixated on getting Caesar's attention.

All Joshua wanted was to have him back the way he'd been. Before he became so arrogant, so selfish, so egocentric. Ulysses knew that the change wouldn't be reversed, and as time went on, he worried about Joshua. He felt bad for him, wanted to protect him.

And then, one day, Joshua sent him one message. Ulysses remembered it vividly. 

_"I need you."_

And with no further prompting, Ulysses raced straight to Joshua's house, as quickly as was feasible. He found Joshua sitting on his back porch, hunched over, with a burn patch pressed against his lip. His perpetually vibrant eyes were so full of sadness. He was far too sad to have cried.

He was ruined. Ulysses knew what had happened; he could put the pieces together. That was the first time he ever spent the night at Joshua's house, but he barely slept because Joshua barely slept. He cried, he shivered, and he hid his face, but he didn't sleep much. He looked like someone who was ready to let go, who had given up. He kept saying, " _I'm tired, I'm tired._ ", and Ulysses was never quite sure what exactly he meant.

And, in a way, that was how Joshua and Ulysses ended up getting together. Ulysses spent long hours with Joshua, worried for him, trying to be there for him.

Ulysses always said that he hoped he could make Joshua as happy as Edward did. And Joshua always said, _"It's hard for you to do worse than him."_ , with that distorted smile.

It was years later that they met the other band members. A call from a man who nicknamed himself 'Foxy', (in response to which Joshua called himself 'The Burned Man'), and a meet-up with Caesar's 'side project' and his most recent ex-boyfriend, Lucius. And somehow, in their bitterness, the four of them thought to form a band. They called themselves 'Caesar's Legion', just to lash back out at the man who had wronged them. Their music was commiseration. Catharsis. They knew Caesar would hear them some day, and he had.

Ulysses was snapped out of his trance by the fact that they had arrived at their venue. It was a nice place, definitely nicer than the places they'd started at. This time, it was a lounge at a pretty respectable casino. Well, as respectable as a casino ever was. The lounge, from what he'd heard, was more respectable by itself. A well-paying gig, at the very least.

"We  _are_ late." Joshua huffed. "Six is here before us. I must have reached a new low."

Six. Six wasn't one of the original band members. They'd picked her up later, because she had keyboard skills and was stubborn. But they grew to like her quite a bit; without her, the band would lose most of its sense of humor. Not all of it, but much of it. When they'd first met her, she was playing a talent night at a local bar, and she called herself Six of Hearts. She had instrumental skill, but wasn't too proud of her voice.

For a long time, they hadn't been quite sure whether or not to let her stick around. Ulysses had been moved to his backup instrument because of her presence, and her stage persona didn't quite blend with all theirs. But one way or another, they let her stay. Maybe it was her little joke when they explained their band's name: she chuffed and said,  _"Well, you know, when a guy's nicknamed himself after an ancient conqueror, that's probably a good indicator that you should run."_

To which Joshua had cocked his chin and replied,  _"If I ever meet a Genghis Khan or an Alexander the Great, I'll remember that."_

Joshua and Ulysses made their way into the casino, with a curt greeting from the owner, past the wandering eyes of those who were out early to toss away their money at the tables. Everyone else was already backstage in the lounge, waiting lazily for their last two band members to appear. Six was there, her half-shaved hair dyed bright, wearing a distressed jumpsuit. Leaning casually against a wall was Vulpes, still affectionately called 'Foxy' from time to time, though they doubted Vulpes was his real name anyway. He was wearing a burnt orange tartan skirt, and a loose shirt that was just a touch off from white. And Lucius, with his slightly grayed hair, was lounging behind his drums.

"Hey, they're here at last." Six yawned, resting her head on her keyboard. "Happy 2nd Bandiversary, guys." Joshua shot her a brief glare for reminding him of that particular joke. When Ulysses caught her eye, however, he gave her a curt nod, and as soon as Joshua diverted his attention, a wink passed between the two of them.

Their third anniversary did indeed make this a special occasion. But it wasn't the only reason.

"You should go get dressed." Ulysses advised, turning towards Joshua. "It does take you a long time to cover yourself with all that gauze."

"Indeed." Joshua commented. He pushed his way back to one of the dressing rooms - ritzier accommodations than they'd usually been provided with. Ulysses followed him, but as he went, he turned around and flashed a similar wink at Vulpes and Lucius. Vulpes smirked knowingly in response.

Joshua tossed his satchel down on a table and flipped it open. But the fluidity of his motions was suddenly interrupted by a slightly confused facial expression. It intensified as he slowly lifted his jeans out of his satchel.

"Ulysses?"

There it was. Ulysses' mask hid the touch of amusement rising to his face.

The jeans that normally went with Joshua's stage outfit were covered in opulent, sparkly, multicolored jewel studs. They formed patterns: waves, flowers, and the like, as well as scattered at the edges of his pant legs. Joshua held them up, and pressed his lips together unhappily. He was putting the pieces together, and he didn't like the picture they formed. Ulysses crossed his arms in order to appear more serious.

Suddenly desperate, Joshua sank his hands back into his satchel and yanked out his stage outfit's shirt. It, too, had been covered in rhinestones and sequins, and lavishly so. On the back, the rhinestones spelled out the words '2nd Bandiversary'.

Joshua breathed deeply through his nose, like a repressed sigh.

"Are you serious?" Joshua gasped.

"As the plague." Ulysses murmured flatly. Joshua turned around and glared at him with narrowed eyes. He then smiled, in a disbelieving sort of way, and ran his hands through his hair.

"This is funny." Joshua declared. "This is funny. This is _hilarious_." He knew that they didn't have enough time to get back home to find anything else for him to wear. "Is this why you took so long to get ready tonight? Was it purposeful?"

"Maybe. Maybe not." Ulysses purred. Joshua sighed through his nostrils again.

"Just help me with the bandages." Joshua requested, rifling through the satchel again.

But the band had covered all their bases.

"I can't believe you."

The gauze that Joshua usually bound his body with to complete his stage persona was covered in glitter. Completely, undeniably coated.

"And you took my vest." Joshua noticed. He rubbed his face in anguish. He had virtually no choice but to wear this excessively bedazzled outfit out on stage. His choice was between what was more important - his overall dignity, or his stage persona?

"I'm certain you can wear it with dignity." Ulysses commented. "If you behave as if it is intentional, then others will assume that it is so."

Joshua had given up.

"Just help me get dressed, honey."

After he was dressed, he walked out as if he was walking to the gallows.

"Lookin' good, Josh." Six teased. Vulpes cocked his head and tried not to smirk, and Lucius laid a hand over his mouth. Joshua glared at them as if he despised all of them with the entirety of his being.

"I hate all of you." He muttered, as if to confirm this.

"That's a touch harsh, don't you think?" Vulpes fluttered. Joshua sighed and adjusted the bandages that were parted around his lips.

"I don't need to deal with this." He growled. "I used to be a park ranger."

Vulpes snickered at Joshua's angered mumblings, his angular face distorting into a rare, if somewhat sadistic, smile. Joshua shot him a look that could've had a physical burn, and then narrowed his blazing blue eyes.

"Don't laugh at me. I have a photo of you at a furry convention, you know." Joshua replied threateningly. Vulpes' face fell when confronted with Joshua's threatening gaze.

"A _furry convention_?" Lucius cackled. "I'd like to hear that story."

"I don't know if _I_ want to." Six muttered, with a roll of her eyes.

"I wasn't in a fursuit." Vulpes protested.

"And _how_ do you know what it's called?" Six questioned.

"I went to the con with a friend." Vulpes continued, as though that would've answered Six's question. "I got drunk, as many people do when on vacation to visit a convention. My judgment was impaired. I may have spent some money on a fox tail and a pair of ears, and I may have posed for a photograph next to several drunk men in fursuits."

"And I'm assuming your 'friend' caught you up on the terminology?" Six repeated, eyebrows raised.

"I have the aforementioned photograph." Joshua chuckled haughtily.

"And how did you get it?" Ulysses asked, folding his arms. Lucius and Six raised their eyebrows.

"I found it in his apartment." Joshua replied, oddly casually.

"And by that, you mean that you stole it from his apartment?" Six asked.

"No, I left it out. With a few other old photos." Vulpes sighed. "He found it. And he took it. I would've done the same, in all honesty."

"Of course you would have." Ulysses hummed. "It seems to be in your nature to go rifling through things and take what you think would benefit you." Vulpes raised his eyebrows, but didn't argue.

"We're on soon." Joshua interrupted, his voice seeping with cold anger. "Come on, we need to get ready. Vulpes, put your stupid furry hat on and get that damn guitar."

Six raised her eyebrows. "He seems pretty mad." She whispered at Ulysses.

"He'll get over it." Ulysses chuckled. "Don't you worry. By the end of the night, he'll be laughing with us."

Vulpes and Joshua liked to warm up their vocal chords with a strange medley of lyrics - whatever came into their heads came off their lips on a slightly altered melody, often flowing from one song to another without any discernible transition. They sang their own lyrics, familiar songs, and even a few lines from hymns and folk tunes.

But the most important thing about this rehearsal was making sure the band was prepared to not laugh at Joshua. Which proved difficult.

Even once they got out there, once the crowd's eager eyes served as a distraction, Ulysses glanced back and saw '2nd Bandiversary' studded into the back of Joshua's shirt and stifled a chuckle.

For the most part, the 2nd Bandiversary performance went off without a hitch. The crowd seemed more confused than amused initially, eyebrows raised, wondering what exactly Joshua was trying to convey with his aesthetic choices. Of course, most people looked at them that way normally, with Joshua mostly wrapped in bandages, Vulpes in a dog helmet, Ulysses in full cyber-goth gear, Six with her brightly-colored hair, and Lucius looking like a Roman legionary cosplayer.

After a little while, a portion of the audience seemed to take hints from Six's stifled smiles and realized that Joshua probably wasn't supposed to be dressed like that, and thus began snickering among themselves. A few of them seemed to be acting like they totally understood the symbolism or something, and the remainder stayed looking like they were missing some sort of memo.

If Ulysses closed his eyes, he could envelope himself in the rhythms of lyrics that he remembered writing with Joshua, and chords he'd developed himself. He could cease to think about the endless distraction of that flamboyant outfit. But then, when he opened his eyes, the hilarity of '2nd Bandiversary' glittering in the stage lights was magnified. Six could barely contain herself; her head kept lowering further and further as she tried to get her hair in front of her face.

The first word Joshua said to any of them after the show was "Are you happy now?"

"Yes." Six answered, snickering loudly.

" _Elated_." Vulpes purred, cocking his head.

"Couldn't be happier." Lucius declared.

Joshua crossed his arms and stared at Ulysses.

Ulysses opened his mouth to speak, but instead he started laughing - an uncontrollable, unrestrained laugh, like a series of raspy hiccups. He rubbed at his face as he laughed, louder and more raucously than anyone had ever heard from him.

"Hmm, I didn't know goths could laugh." Vulpes teased. "Listen to him go."

Ulysses collapsed against the wall, burying his face in his hair, trying to form words between rushed breaths.

"You'll give yourself an asthma attack." Joshua declared, in a very unconcerned voice. The other band members started chuckling to themselves at how amused Ulysses was. "I'll go take this all off by myself, then." Joshua grumbled, but he made no move to do so.

Eventually, Ulysses managed to regain his composure, and he followed Joshua back to his dressing room. Even when all of Joshua's bandages had been removed, there were still traces of glitter all over his skin - and glitter wasn't a substance that came off of skin with ease. Ulysses almost had another laughing fit, but he managed to repress it.

"Who's idea was it?" Joshua asked, pulling his casual shirt over his shoulders.

"Six wanted to pull of some sort of...practical joke. Vulpes suggested involving glitter." Ulysses explained. "And we collectively altered the clothes. Your real stage outfit is safe at home." Joshua smirked a little, that repressed smile he pulled when he didn't want to smile.

"Well, I certainly didn't expect it." Joshua replied as he buttoned up his shirt.

Ulysses pulled his mask down and stared into Joshua's azure eyes.

"I love you."

Joshua chuckled in the back of his throat, and in false reluctance, he replied with, "I love you, too."


End file.
